i really want a REAL hug.

a sign i saw in a Pasadena sandwich shop while on travel in Southern California for work in summer 2009.

i believe in the power of the collective. faith, united. that together, we are more powerful than when we are apart. i don’t believe in waiting on revival to transform society — i believe in living out revival, taking on our communities by storm. we ARE to be the revival.

that’s why my personal passion is drawing people together to usher in greater potential + greater possibilities. at work, our mission at DeoWorks is to connect the body of Christ + accelerate the work of the kingdom. both my partners and i — all three of us have such different dreams for our lives, but we all believe in this core mission given unto us in this season. i meet amazing people everyday, and i think i fall in love with people all the time. God creates breathtaking human beings that i tend to be quite taken in by.

however — one of the pain points of the serial networking lifestyle in which you’re always engaging yourself with new people — is the coming and going of people cycles through the seasons. when you are committed to the bridging of new connections all the time, it’s hard to maintain continuity in the most treasured relationships. it’s like an ignition, and the passion burns on and on in the fire, and then there’s a release and it comes down. then again, ignited; it gets hot, and then released… all over again — over, and over, and over. today i was wondering if the fire was even real to begin with, or did i just convince myself it was there enough for awhile because i wanted to see it there, because i’ve been told i carry it? it’s strange to think of parts of myself in the third person, but — did my fire just die?! because i can’t find it.

and now i’m going to be four years old and say that i really want a REAL hug. i always give people real hugs, but i rarely get them in return. maybe most people think it’s just a formality or don’t like to give real hugs. i really like giving real hugs. and right now i just really want one! Jesus can you please give me a real hug?

i try hard to be available, accessible, always make time for people. i’m astonished sometimes at how much time and effort i put into organizing everyone’s contact info and thinking about who to put in touch with who and making plans to make it happen. if i wasn’t doing all of that all the time i’d probably be more productive in just about everything else in my life. and even then, i’m not often successful in scheduling and re-scheduling to ensure everyone and everything fits. actually, i probably always fall short in some way. sometimes it overwhelms me. i have to admit, i’m kind of burned out by living like this for the past i-don’t-know-how-many-years. i may have always been like this, it wouldn’t be surprising.

sometimes i just can’t take it. i have a huge rolodex, a broad network with a variety of different kinds of people, in different age groups, on different ends of ideological spectrums, residing in different regions, and so on. i spend so much time meeting up and getting face time with folks, being present at gatherings, planning meet-ups and promoting events. and yet, i miss certain folks, badly. i miss everyone, but don’t have the energy to reach out anymore.

in ministry we’re constantly talking about You. who You are, what You look like, what You’re doing, where we’ve gone with You, what You’re saying, what we think about You, interceding with You and of course how much we think You’re bomb. God we always talk about You, but i’m missing something — i’m so caught up in talking about You, but i crave Your touch. i Martha-ed up again in turning myself into Your working advocate and PR / Communications spokeswoman, but i am sick of my voice. would You give me so much more of You that i don’t have to talk anymore, and You can just be seen through me? help me become that kind of walking living breathing vessel for You. and i’m drowning in the noise so would You show me Your face in Your people, please let me see Your face.

faith is supposed to be liberating, for He says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. we are to be walking in the blessing like it’s already here and believe it’s coming, banking on the promises to come through. through our faith He makes it all possible. a sweet, graced faith given to us out of the overflow of His love. and because of this, we always have hope. it changed my life time and time again when i thought it would never change. yet, i can smell the hellish pits of striving eerily nearby, lurking. i don’t want to go there. i hate that place. the thought of it makes me sick.

i’m not what people say i am, at least not right now. i’m not strong today. i’m not a fighter, nor a warrior today. i’m not confident nor warm nor hospitable at the moment. i’m definitely not inspiring or encouraging or entertaining anybody with any passion or testimony or stories tonight. i’m wondering where i’ve been and why. i’m not built out for introversion and am not good at this internal contemplation while in a fragile state, getting lost in thought. this place scares me.

how much of yourself, your heart can you give before the absence of the missing pieces catch up with you? seriously there are some days, like today — in which i can’t deny i feel direly and dreadfully alone. i just want to crawl into a dark hole and curl up in sleep forever.

Jesus, please hold me. i want to be held. i don’t have it in me to go anywhere so can You come here, closer. i need to see You for myself. please hold me here for just awhile, and let me be, let me hide in the shadow of Your wings.