21 December 2009
Amazed by You
sometimes i feel like such an idiot in the spirit realm. i can intuitively sense so much, but cognitively know so little on what is actually happening. it’s like watching a war being fought before you and you’re not sure where all the flying shrapnel and smoke and dirt sprays are coming from, but you’re feeling every single piece of it because you know you’re both a prime target and a prized vessel carrying the secret weapon — both at the same time.
God — i have SO MUCH to learn. please help me to be patient in Your timing, and keep me freaking starved for more of You always. bring forth Your understanding, wisdom, and discernment to grow, grow, grow and one day match my crazy sensitivity so that i may pair the two to fight for You.
Jesus — during so many times in the past when i felt so alone, i could see and sense so much in the spirit but i was so afraid. over the past seven years You did a good work in me and i’m not afraid anymore. thank You so much for a series of amazing, amazing seasons of Your goodness + Your light — i don’t deny or discount any of it, it’s precious time with You i’m never going to forget. but dude, i really do feel like such a n00b still with most of this still. Holy Spirit, please eat me up. i want to be completely engrossed in You.
i’m such a child. this has been the exponential growth year of my life going deep into the wonders of Your love, God — but really it’s just begun. sometimes it feels like i’m “un-learning” the ways of the world that years of so-called “experience” trained me up to be. i want to be ravaged by Your reality. i don’t want to hide out in an escapist mentality with excuses for myself to not have to face the hard stuff in this life. i don’t want to sit there and proclaim that this life here is only temporary and simply long for the day i get to see Your face. this life here is temporary, yes — and i do long for the day i get to see You face to face; but i long for Your reality to be brought here to revolutionize the world. You put that longing in my heart and not a day goes by i don’t dream of all the ways You’ll fulfill Your promises.
You have graced us with a limited number of years on this planet. we were born naked, we will die naked. we bring nothing into this world, and we can remove nothing from it. by Your grace, we can be living representations — we can re-present You, Christ Jesus on this earth. i’m not going to sit around like a morbid sulking fool waiting to die eventually and let myself drown in my own introspection like it’s too big a burden for the world out there. You burned my darkness away, seriously. You brought the darkness to light, and it’s old habitual power over me is broken. the days of asking myself how i’m so screwed up are over. that battle is won. and if the enemy tries to come back with lies and tell me it’s not, i’ll tell ‘em like it is because my trust and hope is placed in You. thank You. You make all things new.
there is so much wrong to make right, Jesus. my identity is no longer in the worth of my work, for i know my inheritance in You is true and real and for good. because i know who i am in You, i don’t feel like a freakshow anymore in the desires of my heart. You called me to be Your beloved and You called me to the battlefield and i’m here. take me in and teach me how to fight right. i’ll go through basic training 100x over if that’s what it takes — and there will probably be times i kick and scream and feel like dying but in the end i don’t care because You make me strong and i believe You make me good and ready. You’re gonna win the wars for Your name, and Your love for Your people is insane. the world really doesn’t get it, You’re so crazy it’s hard for folks to believe. but there will be a day for that.
thank You for letting me witness Your love, Your hand, Your ways. it’s incredible to see Your plans unravel. the way You transform people, the way You care for Your people — You define real love. You take my breath away.
thanks for another crazy day, Jesus. i pray i’ll always be amazed by You.