tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78188020443292608202024-03-05T23:52:46.980-08:00the huangel journal .like oil upon Your feet . like wine for You to drink . like water from my heart . i'll pour my love on YouAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-6097614478610544282010-10-07T05:38:00.000-07:002011-05-29T02:08:02.569-07:00Johannesburg, Gauteng, Republic of SOUTH AFRICA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhul53YA0zNc7SwA_BBoBhtcke92NxIBFwxtKGC_uvo_dh38h9nEwdsTkAGCOWj-HJUNVh-gC-bCfy3P8h0nphxj9quQvpxmNOZlUJK8_FilpdNWQpfjWmBjMaImJIfpRDS71UWQoc7Fxs/s1600/IMG_8038-e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhul53YA0zNc7SwA_BBoBhtcke92NxIBFwxtKGC_uvo_dh38h9nEwdsTkAGCOWj-HJUNVh-gC-bCfy3P8h0nphxj9quQvpxmNOZlUJK8_FilpdNWQpfjWmBjMaImJIfpRDS71UWQoc7Fxs/s400/IMG_8038-e.jpg" width="400" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-JK_A7orswuuAc0PH98eAj9Yjh9jpmkAo134oK-Z7vC4QmrGb9OI0EZi58kNe5HGqmc2iw0t3Y3JTbZNkzedeN_1KDDZb3QTfEj7D93sUp883K4pu2S942E6c-iglc41PD-x69ugtK0/s1600/IMG_8004-e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-JK_A7orswuuAc0PH98eAj9Yjh9jpmkAo134oK-Z7vC4QmrGb9OI0EZi58kNe5HGqmc2iw0t3Y3JTbZNkzedeN_1KDDZb3QTfEj7D93sUp883K4pu2S942E6c-iglc41PD-x69ugtK0/s400/IMG_8004-e.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"> I was supposed to be in Mozambique yesterday, but my connecting flight was overbooked so I got stranded in Johannesburg, South Africa for 2 days -- and what a divine appointment it has been!! Since the rep family (the group I went to India for marketplace ministry consulting with) has a presence in South Africa as well, Pastor Chucks Obinna Ugoihe + his family took me in, and it's been an absolute dream. (Chucks was also on the very first rep venture to India!!! O.G. man.)</div><br />
I've been running around with Pastor Chucks and meeting so many incredible ministers from all over Africa -- today they did a studio recording of a pastoral roundtable on a cable tv network that broadcasts all over the African continent. I viewed the taping from the control room and took notes ;D We also stopped in the South African branch office of some American ministries as well. I've been getting blessed left and right -- and loving the people here, learning lots about what God is doing in Africa and the things on His heart for the people here. Especially the personal testimony of so many that have suffered greatly, experienced such attack and persecution, yet walk in the ways of the living God -- it is indescribably inspiring. I am so grateful.<br />
<br />
I take off for Mozambique in the morning. BTW the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen was on the flight from London into Johannesburg, I think we were flying over Angola when the dawn was breaking -- at 35,000 feet in the air, the red blazing sun was rising over the clouds and breaking forth brilliant, radiant light. It was a breathtaking display of the LIGHT of the Lord over the world. He is risen, and He loves His land, He loves His people.<br />
<br />
I haven't even gotten to Mozambique yet, and already I'm overwhelmed by how blessed I am in Jesus. Thank You so much for rending my heart, and what an ethereal season to enter in Your holy name.<br />
<br />
Love you all.<br />
Angel<br />
<br />
P.S. I'm gonna be in really remote areas starting tomorrow, so sorry if I don't reply to your messages or am MIA -- just remember it doesn't change how much I really love you!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-50153981741827470842010-06-19T17:43:00.000-07:002011-05-29T01:57:03.892-07:00Thank You Team India<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEs2oIVXf2IM2fN0NQjg9SR021hx2cajRKPldV6e8FBBz34xFQ6KauAWN1Td5IuG0VJDM06wHb0xr0jA3EAQQ_0d2sBpMwcytiibkgsm6KalzzsXMtlJRZiNp5L6V-6P8XhJQP9A27fc/s1600/India-RB-Slide-1-web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="484" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEs2oIVXf2IM2fN0NQjg9SR021hx2cajRKPldV6e8FBBz34xFQ6KauAWN1Td5IuG0VJDM06wHb0xr0jA3EAQQ_0d2sBpMwcytiibkgsm6KalzzsXMtlJRZiNp5L6V-6P8XhJQP9A27fc/s640/India-RB-Slide-1-web.jpg" width="640" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGOWF8p92TZbkbzL7hhKi07YVqIfISEqISaFKux76-VNQxNDQGa55q3_sxDXWqCYiE25rqqFlMcwQY8qW1mRjaMd9mDKp5NFgUX82C2SVdtWXpRM1Q8MOks1okRTEXiA5GqffU9uWZa0/s1600/India-RB-Slide-2-txt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="486" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGOWF8p92TZbkbzL7hhKi07YVqIfISEqISaFKux76-VNQxNDQGa55q3_sxDXWqCYiE25rqqFlMcwQY8qW1mRjaMd9mDKp5NFgUX82C2SVdtWXpRM1Q8MOks1okRTEXiA5GqffU9uWZa0/s640/India-RB-Slide-2-txt.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>5 years ago, God set my heart on the people and nation of India.<br />
this past month has been a dream come true, and even better — it was with all of you.<br />
<br />
the most amazing June spent in Southern India from the East to the West:<br />
most of our time on venture in the urban city of Chennai, a small coastal farming village called Mahabalipuram, the iconic former French colony of Puducherry — all in Tamil Nadu on the southeastern coast off the Bay of Bengal + beautiful Kochi, a hidden gem backwater village of Alleppey, the high tea inland mountains of Munnar — all in “God’s Own Country”, the lush green state of Kerala on the southwestern coast off the Arabian Sea… this quote from the legend’s autobiography pretty much sums up my experience with Team India, with deepest reverence and gratitude.<br />
<br />
“All kinds of things rejoiced my soul in their company —<br />
to talk and laugh, and to do each other kindnesses… to pass from lightest jesting to talk of the deepest things and back again: to differ without rancour… to teach each other and to learn from each other; to be impatient for the return of the absent, and to welcome them with joy on their home-coming; these, and such-like things, proceeding from our hearts as we gave affection and received it back, and shown by face, by voice, by the eyes, and by a thousand other pleasing ways, kindled a flame which fused our very souls together, and, of many, made us one.”<br />
<br />
— <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustine_of_Hippo">St. Augustine of Hippo</a> (354 - 430 A.D.)<br />
<br />
ARCHIVE | <a href="http://repurposing.biz/chennai-june-2010-venture/2010/5/26/chennai-june-2010-daily-team-updates.html">Daily Updates from Team India Venture 2010</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-29071741105249086432010-06-14T01:14:00.000-07:002011-05-29T02:08:41.948-07:00Chennai, Tamil Nadu, Republic of INDIA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiek2rR7BohIWcMxfQb5kRu4d6C_kc7be4-kxt4o8044kNRWpE5cdBnxc3cW7eVeg43sAxmA_3C6sRgrNyA-V20t6kShZNmQBX6LoDyB_RcWSaagA8Rf2BcXiOV15Z2HTdncNgnPmZmhUY/s1600/DSC_1429-%25282%2529-2-fb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiek2rR7BohIWcMxfQb5kRu4d6C_kc7be4-kxt4o8044kNRWpE5cdBnxc3cW7eVeg43sAxmA_3C6sRgrNyA-V20t6kShZNmQBX6LoDyB_RcWSaagA8Rf2BcXiOV15Z2HTdncNgnPmZmhUY/s640/DSC_1429-%25282%2529-2-fb.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>To my partners at home:<br />
<br />
My apologies for not sending out updates from India consistently as I had hoped -- every day is very intense here, God's glory + presence are so heavy in this place and I am overwhelmed, in a most wonderful way, every day.<br />
<br />
Here is one of my favorite photos taken so far -- we took an excursion out to Mahalibalipuram, in the countryside villages this past weekend to visit a <a href="http://handsonhouses.com/">Hands On Houses</a> development site. This is a project of the <a href="http://www.equipfoundation.org/">Equip Foundation</a>, and services for the people here are a product of kingdom planning here at the <a href="http://repurposing.biz/">rēp</a> family. It was such a rejuvenating time to be out and about after being with clients in non-stop meetings + sessions throughout the week at our hotel in the city.<br />
<br />
It brought me so much joy + refreshing to play with the children, running around with them outside their thatched-roof huts + down dirt paths in the humidity of these lush rural lands. My heart sings non-stop with thanksgiving to God as I feel like I'm living in a dream -- filled with His mysteries, His revelation, His wonders, His heart everywhere we walk -- He is there in our midst.<br />
<br />
I hope to write when I get a chance, thank you for standing with me from the other side of the globe -- thanks to you, God is making magic happen before my eyes all the time, and I couldn't be happier than in these moments, in the here + now. Our team is strong. The Indian people are hungry, + we eat + drink of the Word + Spirit alongside of them as we are of one body, united. The Holy Spirit breathes Life into me, + I always feel an overflow. I am so alive as God does His thing -- poignantly, greatly, perfectly.<br />
<br />
Thank you, thank you, thank you for encouraging + empowering me to be here in India. Thank you for believing in me, in the grace God floods into my life, in the wellsprings of living water He rains into my innermost being that feeds my soul.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
AngelAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-46804876197640598362010-02-19T07:12:00.000-08:002011-05-29T03:02:28.988-07:00Roots<blockquote>"Whom have I in heaven but You?<br />
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You."<br />
-- Psalm 73:25 NKJV</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQVhAnLT4SMoLR77jW6QH1qt-yQljD9W-4aCLk6PdEBWxApPyGLIluJL9J6lKXE4hobmXSijAAvmIjgprbzRMrNCoG6A0pes1mt_kpWdNZvm3KduGQNyCz9dEIDZTdPhG-7PfHqmspKOA/s1600/19370_843767905224_3300032_47580685_4765010_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQVhAnLT4SMoLR77jW6QH1qt-yQljD9W-4aCLk6PdEBWxApPyGLIluJL9J6lKXE4hobmXSijAAvmIjgprbzRMrNCoG6A0pes1mt_kpWdNZvm3KduGQNyCz9dEIDZTdPhG-7PfHqmspKOA/s400/19370_843767905224_3300032_47580685_4765010_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDkMz6UYCsMH7sQmcFxR6r2QfCcb7eeamIwG03NLC3vAtqPt0HfQg9uHgQvOS04Xe3W8wULsdAN3zS-RebPGiso2VlmjDhu39EqxDRauCDSg_VHqW70DuxQgdcZIA7wmjbfHd-zcrkd0/s1600/19370_843767915204_3300032_47580686_2854750_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrDkMz6UYCsMH7sQmcFxR6r2QfCcb7eeamIwG03NLC3vAtqPt0HfQg9uHgQvOS04Xe3W8wULsdAN3zS-RebPGiso2VlmjDhu39EqxDRauCDSg_VHqW70DuxQgdcZIA7wmjbfHd-zcrkd0/s400/19370_843767915204_3300032_47580686_2854750_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKeb-VRvl6r40z8KIPC7yYZlxMNaauY-g-DyGSk078mzwbbJL3ttjyP-7fW-G5vpg6Y_7cEE6yeHNKKjs-0BlNnYLEDYxs-ygRjGj_c1S-uCmgOgWJRNx0GhxGTwBmXOI5bSghNgoCLso/s1600/19370_843769946134_3300032_47580771_2971930_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKeb-VRvl6r40z8KIPC7yYZlxMNaauY-g-DyGSk078mzwbbJL3ttjyP-7fW-G5vpg6Y_7cEE6yeHNKKjs-0BlNnYLEDYxs-ygRjGj_c1S-uCmgOgWJRNx0GhxGTwBmXOI5bSghNgoCLso/s400/19370_843769946134_3300032_47580771_2971930_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL-MirOKO-atUszQ3kp25lAbesyyU5OCZqS8A0voRFx9g0HbuD-7C4JYnR-xPgpLHQDIkuTHc8D7ZT2mu_c8jB4agisqmQanP1sm59oGgVCOq8lXmRKgytrJdAfB7uQ15zjO3AbHD44Qw/s1600/19370_843770579864_3300032_47580786_5345764_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL-MirOKO-atUszQ3kp25lAbesyyU5OCZqS8A0voRFx9g0HbuD-7C4JYnR-xPgpLHQDIkuTHc8D7ZT2mu_c8jB4agisqmQanP1sm59oGgVCOq8lXmRKgytrJdAfB7uQ15zjO3AbHD44Qw/s400/19370_843770579864_3300032_47580786_5345764_n.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7WkLaRJLu2BvccAg4fH031A6x6fbBh8uChdR4YMHoieN4g6LFBt7t0dElPdlaGDNo_030tRZw4FJVRJ_BsKz6P5Cc-7qF3bZ0SauQk9f1hRP2E-9q_P5E277Hw75t0h5qIJxkwAochsk/s1600/19370_843770584854_3300032_47580787_3935405_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7WkLaRJLu2BvccAg4fH031A6x6fbBh8uChdR4YMHoieN4g6LFBt7t0dElPdlaGDNo_030tRZw4FJVRJ_BsKz6P5Cc-7qF3bZ0SauQk9f1hRP2E-9q_P5E277Hw75t0h5qIJxkwAochsk/s400/19370_843770584854_3300032_47580787_3935405_n.jpg" /></a></div><br />
tonight was a smashing turnout for our DeoWorks formal cocktail fundraiser event, with many of Silicon Valley's finest looking spectacular. during our speeches in front of the audience, i was told afterwards by a few people that my northern accent (from being raised in Michigan) has been noticeably getting stronger, even though my time in California has been getting longer (it will be 10 years this summer).<br />
<br />
but i know that isn't exactly true, because the first time my northern accent started resurfacing was after i met the Holy Spirit last year and the intensity in my prayers was rising. the northerner swing only comes out when i am speaking of the things of God. more and more people ask me where i originate from, and it's not because i talk more than before (i know i've always talked my head off) but because the things on my heart and mind are more and more the things of God.<br />
<br />
in a way, this whole accent shift represents a return to our roots. we were made by Him, we were made for Him, we were made to be rooted in Him. in this life we get washed up in the things of the world. our environments affect us, our circumstances can change us. often, the faith we had as children wears away as we grow older because we have to unlearn what we can't have faith in and re-learn real faith the right way. we might start to look differently, act differently, talk differently, if we veer away from our place of origin. sometimes the most distinctive things about us can be eroded, lost into memories and blurred into the crowds. we blend in better, things are easier that way.<br />
<br />
it can get like that in our relationship with Jesus. we can stray away from our Maker. it's easier to want the things in front of us, shiny and new or the things everyone else seems to want. the things that are supposed to make sense because that's the rat race society trips all up over itself for. it can be hard at times to desire what's good and right -- what has depth, value, honor, purpose. it's easier to fixate on the things we can see and touch, taste and smell, covet and obsess over, idolize and fantasize for. and it's ridiculous, because we weren't created for those things, we weren't created for this world. we were created for something else, Someone else.<br />
<br />
my accent getting stronger these days represents the increase in intimacy with the place where i'm from, with my God. Jesus is showing me through ways in which i understand origin and identity, that i'm getting closer with Him and it shows. i'm not pulling out the accent on purpose, in fact i don't think i could do it consciously even if i knew how. it just shows. the more time we spend in growing relationship with our Maker, the more it shows. it just does, and people will notice something's different. something's changing. and by them pointing it out to us, it makes us notice it, too. and i'm in awe at how much has been uprooted in such a short amount of time so that the real roots we were created to have nurtured take over, they're growing in so fast and so deep. before you know it you're anchored in, and you can't undo it, because you've been re-rooted, and you're grateful.<br />
<br />
i'm grateful. i can't honestly talk about the things everybody seems to want around here without feeling like i'm going to puke a little. (i.e. the perfect Silicon Valley career-boosting job with competitive pay, great benefits and a pretty office with perks or the safe looks-good-on-paper fiance to lock down while we're still young) i just can't do it, i know i'm a misfit and shock so many people with their assumptions of what i seem to be or want or am. i've been called crazy, impractical, idealistic, and a number of other things, and they can kiss my arse because i really don't care.<br />
<br />
i will never work a career or love a man for reasons of this world. i will work for God's calling and i will only love a man that is more insane for God's own heart than i am so that we're exponentially more insanely madly in love with God united.<br />
<br />
this is what i want: i want the iron in my spirit. i want to carry the fire wherever i go. i want to see people with the eyes of Jesus, always. i want all the parts in me to be postured before my God. i want to get on it already with the desires of my heart. i want to see the nations return to their King. i want real rest to calm me in my restlessness. i want the presence. i want the hunger. i want the thirst. i want the addiction, the fascination, the intense longing. i want the pursuit, both ways. i want all those positions of desire as well as the immense satisfaction that comes from getting what i want. i want You, Jesus.<br />
<br />
never did i know such a Love. until i knew You like this.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-25870564522724714822010-01-16T18:53:00.000-08:002011-05-29T03:20:37.635-07:00i really want a REAL hug.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimaNJ8H5q04h44A34kZTC3KSsvKpuAnFvhz7gd-y1L6F6iUpRi_yQmA9qZ7dZVWmMLLH57B4EGwBvSNqTESoE0uvRlPvXqN-mW6Jvpxfsdd0ynROtyFCZeb_iPJDm5BGsdLJZUdOy3wkI/s1600/n3300032_43078028_6803694.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimaNJ8H5q04h44A34kZTC3KSsvKpuAnFvhz7gd-y1L6F6iUpRi_yQmA9qZ7dZVWmMLLH57B4EGwBvSNqTESoE0uvRlPvXqN-mW6Jvpxfsdd0ynROtyFCZeb_iPJDm5BGsdLJZUdOy3wkI/s1600/n3300032_43078028_6803694.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">a sign i saw in a Pasadena sandwich shop while on travel in Southern California for work in summer 2009.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
i believe in the power of the collective. faith, united. that together, we are more powerful than when we are apart. i don’t believe in waiting on revival to transform society — i believe in living out revival, taking on our communities by storm. we ARE to be the revival.<br />
<br />
that’s why my personal passion is drawing people together to usher in greater potential + greater possibilities. at work, our mission at DeoWorks is to connect the body of Christ + accelerate the work of the kingdom. both my partners and i — all three of us have such different dreams for our lives, but we all believe in this core mission given unto us in this season. i meet amazing people everyday, and i think i fall in love with people all the time. God creates breathtaking human beings that i tend to be quite taken in by.<br />
<br />
however — one of the pain points of the serial networking lifestyle in which you’re always engaging yourself with new people — is the coming and going of people cycles through the seasons. when you are committed to the bridging of new connections all the time, it’s hard to maintain continuity in the most treasured relationships. it’s like an ignition, and the passion burns on and on in the fire, and then there’s a release and it comes down. then again, ignited; it gets hot, and then released… all over again — over, and over, and over. today i was wondering if the fire was even real to begin with, or did i just convince myself it was there enough for awhile because i wanted to see it there, because i’ve been told i carry it? it’s strange to think of parts of myself in the third person, but — did my fire just die?! because i can’t find it.<br />
<br />
and now i’m going to be four years old and say that i really want a REAL hug. i always give people real hugs, but i rarely get them in return. maybe most people think it’s just a formality or don’t like to give real hugs. i really like giving real hugs. and right now i just really want one! Jesus can you please give me a real hug?<br />
<br />
i try hard to be available, accessible, always make time for people. i’m astonished sometimes at how much time and effort i put into organizing everyone’s contact info and thinking about who to put in touch with who and making plans to make it happen. if i wasn’t doing all of that all the time i’d probably be more productive in just about everything else in my life. and even then, i’m not often successful in scheduling and re-scheduling to ensure everyone and everything fits. actually, i probably always fall short in some way. sometimes it overwhelms me. i have to admit, i’m kind of burned out by living like this for the past i-don’t-know-how-many-years. i may have always been like this, it wouldn’t be surprising.<br />
<br />
sometimes i just can’t take it. i have a huge rolodex, a broad network with a variety of different kinds of people, in different age groups, on different ends of ideological spectrums, residing in different regions, and so on. i spend so much time meeting up and getting face time with folks, being present at gatherings, planning meet-ups and promoting events. and yet, i miss certain folks, badly. i miss everyone, but don’t have the energy to reach out anymore.<br />
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in ministry we’re constantly talking about You. who You are, what You look like, what You’re doing, where we’ve gone with You, what You’re saying, what we think about You, interceding with You and of course how much we think You’re bomb. God we always talk about You, but i’m missing something — i’m so caught up in talking about You, but i crave Your touch. i Martha-ed up again in turning myself into Your working advocate and PR / Communications spokeswoman, but i am sick of my voice. would You give me so much more of You that i don’t have to talk anymore, and You can just be seen through me? help me become that kind of walking living breathing vessel for You. and i’m drowning in the noise so would You show me Your face in Your people, please let me see Your face.<br />
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faith is supposed to be liberating, for He says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. we are to be walking in the blessing like it’s already here and believe it’s coming, banking on the promises to come through. through our faith He makes it all possible. a sweet, graced faith given to us out of the overflow of His love. and because of this, we always have hope. it changed my life time and time again when i thought it would never change. yet, i can smell the hellish pits of striving eerily nearby, lurking. i don’t want to go there. i hate that place. the thought of it makes me sick.<br />
<br />
i’m not what people say i am, at least not right now. i’m not strong today. i’m not a fighter, nor a warrior today. i’m not confident nor warm nor hospitable at the moment. i’m definitely not inspiring or encouraging or entertaining anybody with any passion or testimony or stories tonight. i’m wondering where i’ve been and why. i’m not built out for introversion and am not good at this internal contemplation while in a fragile state, getting lost in thought. this place scares me.<br />
<br />
how much of yourself, your heart can you give before the absence of the missing pieces catch up with you? seriously there are some days, like today — in which i can’t deny i feel direly and dreadfully alone. i just want to crawl into a dark hole and curl up in sleep forever.<br />
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Jesus, please hold me. i want to be held. i don’t have it in me to go anywhere so can You come here, closer. i need to see You for myself. please hold me here for just awhile, and let me be, let me hide in the shadow of Your wings.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-45256022671213757262009-12-21T05:04:00.000-08:002011-05-29T03:31:09.078-07:00Amazed by You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAEyu4WO93FOnb6lYl6lNxrl3vaZ0ocd-kbgtS995COxFR3FXIvreCvviwgdb_dPibx8E_XAHsbqfLijGoP5iEMfQ1d0BC_LvoNxqdli8lZxrP6QSDbc7b9XDaSFUnwdxPaV7Dvgz125g/s1600/25341_848673359654_3300032_47729838_6514371_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAEyu4WO93FOnb6lYl6lNxrl3vaZ0ocd-kbgtS995COxFR3FXIvreCvviwgdb_dPibx8E_XAHsbqfLijGoP5iEMfQ1d0BC_LvoNxqdli8lZxrP6QSDbc7b9XDaSFUnwdxPaV7Dvgz125g/s1600/25341_848673359654_3300032_47729838_6514371_n.jpg" /></a></div>hi Jesus,<br />
<br />
sometimes i feel like such an idiot in the spirit realm. i can intuitively sense so much, but cognitively know so little on what is actually happening. it’s like watching a war being fought before you and you’re not sure where all the flying shrapnel and smoke and dirt sprays are coming from, but you’re feeling every single piece of it because you know you’re both a prime target and a prized vessel carrying the secret weapon — both at the same time.<br />
<br />
God — i have SO MUCH to learn. please help me to be patient in Your timing, and keep me freaking starved for more of You always. bring forth Your understanding, wisdom, and discernment to grow, grow, grow and one day match my crazy sensitivity so that i may pair the two to fight for You.<br />
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Jesus — during so many times in the past when i felt so alone, i could see and sense so much in the spirit but i was so afraid. over the past seven years You did a good work in me and i’m not afraid anymore. thank You so much for a series of amazing, amazing seasons of Your goodness + Your light — i don’t deny or discount any of it, it’s precious time with You i’m never going to forget. but dude, i really do feel like such a n00b still with most of this still. Holy Spirit, please eat me up. i want to be completely engrossed in You.<br />
<br />
i’m such a child. this has been the exponential growth year of my life going deep into the wonders of Your love, God — but really it’s just begun. sometimes it feels like i’m “un-learning” the ways of the world that years of so-called “experience” trained me up to be. i want to be ravaged by Your reality. i don’t want to hide out in an escapist mentality with excuses for myself to not have to face the hard stuff in this life. i don’t want to sit there and proclaim that this life here is only temporary and simply long for the day i get to see Your face. this life here is temporary, yes — and i do long for the day i get to see You face to face; but i long for Your reality to be brought here to revolutionize the world. You put that longing in my heart and not a day goes by i don’t dream of all the ways You’ll fulfill Your promises.<br />
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You have graced us with a limited number of years on this planet. we were born naked, we will die naked. we bring nothing into this world, and we can remove nothing from it. by Your grace, we can be living representations — we can re-present You, Christ Jesus on this earth. i’m not going to sit around like a morbid sulking fool waiting to die eventually and let myself drown in my own introspection like it’s too big a burden for the world out there. You burned my darkness away, seriously. You brought the darkness to light, and it’s old habitual power over me is broken. the days of asking myself how i’m so screwed up are over. that battle is won. and if the enemy tries to come back with lies and tell me it’s not, i’ll tell ‘em like it is because my trust and hope is placed in You. thank You. You make all things new.<br />
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there is so much wrong to make right, Jesus. my identity is no longer in the worth of my work, for i know my inheritance in You is true and real and for good. because i know who i am in You, i don’t feel like a freakshow anymore in the desires of my heart. You called me to be Your beloved and You called me to the battlefield and i’m here. take me in and teach me how to fight right. i’ll go through basic training 100x over if that’s what it takes — and there will probably be times i kick and scream and feel like dying but in the end i don’t care because You make me strong and i believe You make me good and ready. You’re gonna win the wars for Your name, and Your love for Your people is insane. the world really doesn’t get it, You’re so crazy it’s hard for folks to believe. but there will be a day for that.<br />
<br />
thank You for letting me witness Your love, Your hand, Your ways. it’s incredible to see Your plans unravel. the way You transform people, the way You care for Your people — You define real love. You take my breath away.<br />
<br />
thanks for another crazy day, Jesus. i pray i’ll always be amazed by You.<br />
<br />
love,<br />
angelAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7818802044329260820.post-75420423724530898382009-12-12T00:04:00.000-08:002011-05-29T03:43:07.619-07:00King of Hearts<b>everything i need to know in life about relationships...<br />
i learn from our God.</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>maintaining + growing multiple + meaningful relationships concurrently + consistently takes so much work. time, effort, consideration, adjustments, emotions, heart, patience, prayer. love isn't always easy, and it definitely doesn't always feel good + right; especially when expectations aren't met, and we come to the realization of how much that affects us -- and it's more than we were prepared for.<br />
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there are some days when i think to myself, is this worth it all? why does it take so much? so many friends have told me i've gotta stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. it's surely a trend that runs in the family; we're hospitable to a fault, and get screwed by those that take advantage of our generosity. i probably trust others too quickly, give too much too willingly, and too often end up getting hurt.<br />
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and in the end, the answer to whether it's worth it all or not is -- yes, because God loves us relationally. He is the epitome of what relationship was created to be. people don't have to define what relationship should look like for us; our Father already set the bar higher than any human can touch when He gave us life in Jesus. He shows us how to make it work. He breathes renewal into a relationship that is dead. He is the reason we engage, take part, share, carry the burden together. and, He deals with a lot more baggage in people's relationships than i will ever be able to wrap my limited head around. that's why with the more we have to forgive, the more He gives us reason to love.<br />
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we learn just a taste of what God does for us, from the kind of love we lavishly and naturally outpour when it's fluidly easy to the kind we have to fight to keep loving through when it's so hard, when it hardly makes any sense at all. He waits on us patiently when we ignore Him, He puts up with our drama. He loves us to the core, and the fire of God burns through the inside parts of us that are sick, insecure, immature, jacked up, perverted, wrenchingly broken. He tells us it's going to be okay. He forgives our transgressions, He shows us how to make it right. He believes in us even when we don't believe in ourselves.<br />
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a few nights ago, i finally began to understand this part of why i am the way that i am. during a time of amazing, intense prayer in His presence, God spoke loud and clear to say -- make no mistake, He sees me and how i love Him. He showed me a snapshot of how i stand there, arms open wide, calling out to the north and the south, the east and the west, in every cardinal direction to the ends of the earth; given in, waiting to be summoned by name, not wanting anything else but to be sent. "here am i, SEND ME. i'm willing to go wherever You'll have me go, do whatever you'll have me do. i am Yours, my God, and i want nothing else than to be completely consumed in You."<br />
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He sees my heart, and He said, "this is how you love Me. you are intense, you are extreme in your love for Me. it is a raw kind of love, it is unbridled passion. the expression of it is constant + ever-present, you want to talk all the time incessantly throughout the days and nights. you're always knocking on My door, sometimes habitually polite with a practiced formality, even though I always tell you that you don't have to knock -- you just come on in, anytime. you tell Me about your family + friends all the time, and ask My advice on how to love them better, how to help them through the rough stuff when you are breaking for them. you surge with rage in defense of those who can't defend themselves, with the authority given to you in My name. you run to aid the helpless, you cry for the hurting because you know My heart. for you know how I stand for you, how I have loved My people. you carry My heart in you. you are an Esther. i have made you a rescuer, a warrior, more than a conqueror... and you have captivated Me, my Angel you have won My heart."<br />
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the way i naturally love people is the way i love my God. the difference between the two is this: while God loved me first, more than i'll ever be able to love Him back; people often can't, don't, won't. and while it sucks for a bit, it'll be okay -- because loving people is re-presenting God's love to them. and if i carry the heart of the Father in me through the Holy Spirit, i can't stop loving because His heart enlarges mine. there will always be more than enough. when i run out, He replenishes. He shows me the way. He'll reveal what people need, what He'll have me do, how He can change me for the better. His love is so great it can take the self- out of my self-righteousness, and He shows me that the kind of love He loves us with can be loved forward to those who don't deserve it -- we never deserved it to begin with. and yet, experiencing this incredible kind of love is so out of this world it makes you wonder how it's even remotely possible. He makes the impossible possible. He makes love make sense.<br />
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the ways of the world easily define my love as being a doormat, but You call me Your beloved. with You i'll never be unappreciated, overlooked, disregarded, unimportant. my actions and professions of love will always be received -- gratefully, genuinely, understood perfectly. i'm never insignificant, i never feel small or meek, my needs are never neglected or not worth Your time in my relationship with You. Jesus, You're the only one who will never tell me to stop. i'll never be too much for You. You can always take more and You always want more. i can't get enough of You and i can be totally shameless about it. i always want You. all of me, i am Yours. i know You've loved me from the beginning of time, and i hope to God i'm ever faithful in loving You to the very end.<br />
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God, i think of all the times i've stood there and saluted You like a soldier, ready at any moment's notice to be shipped out afar. to be taken into the unknown, praying for my life for the kind of faith that comes only from the God who loved us before the dawn of time. Your love for me makes me feel like i'm going to explode, like i climbed inside a cannon thinking i could hide from it for awhile only to find out i'm getting the opposite of what i had intended. Your love is a force to be reckoned with that nothing i attempt to do in my power would ever be able to stop. i try to slow it down and it shoots me out of the barrel like a cannonball, rocking me harder than i can take.<br />
<br />
i always aimed to be a captain, desiring to rally the troops into an absolute kind of loyalty to serve our Generalissimo ferociously in any way You order, even if it's knowingly straight into our own deathbeds. for You my Lord have promised to us the very crown of life. i march around trying to stay disciplined to all the little details, waiting impatiently and wanting to be made useful already in my restlessness. You smile and gently tell me to let You love me good. You tell me You made me to be more than a captain. You made me alive in You, by taking off the cap that hid away my face from You, that which i pulled down low and tight by reasoning of a fearful awe -- You were always far too Holy, too good for a wretch like me to ever look You in the eye. yet You lifted my chin so that i no longer looked at the ground, but straight into Your eyes -- and You see me. You see me, all of me, and You don't ever look away.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqU5zni3vJSBxpYLTsj-1dURweFftoAJzmjdJ_Mr3KGfxIo5ckGIOlBV2wsdlFJ6c39WYnIyjryfmS8DkBFPOzbLELzpwGUgKNeOzI2tf4TT52vp-SvO_MvlX-W49BYfBDhs3AWqSkof4/s1600/tumblr_ldu7w9rV631qfq16qo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: right;"><img border="0" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqU5zni3vJSBxpYLTsj-1dURweFftoAJzmjdJ_Mr3KGfxIo5ckGIOlBV2wsdlFJ6c39WYnIyjryfmS8DkBFPOzbLELzpwGUgKNeOzI2tf4TT52vp-SvO_MvlX-W49BYfBDhs3AWqSkof4/s400/tumblr_ldu7w9rV631qfq16qo1_1280.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo Credit: <a href="http://justgenesis.tumblr.com/post/2417014146/standing-in-the-light">"standing in the light"</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>i was ashamed, yet You called me stunning, beautiful. from my self-proclaimed small servant's post i fussed about to make as clean and neat as possible, taking great care to do so with propriety and excellence; You came to me and took me by the hand. away from the menial territory i clung to, which i stomped around and around in circles, that which i guarded defiantly. i had declared this was my work for You; it was all i had, it was the best i thought i could do. i saw my work as more valuable than myself, because my work had better results than how i turned out -- i turned out a mess. You cleaned up this mess, You broke the darkness when You brought it into Your light. You saved every shattered part of me, even the parts i wanted to throw away -- You make all the jagged pieces of the past a seamless tapestry. i am complete in You, You make me whole.<br />
<br />
people can treat me like a maid, but You remove the dishrag from my clasp so that You hold my hand in Your own and You seat me at Your throne. in You, my hand is already won.<br />
<br />
Christ, Jesus You made me Your queen of spades --<br />
may You always be my King of hearts.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02203394075228195123noreply@blogger.com0